I Hate Victoria’s Secret

I hate Victoria’s Secret.

This hatred is quite new actually. Until just a few short weeks ago it was my sole destination for lingerie, and most of my workout clothes and swimsuits.

That is until I went to Nordstrom.

My sister needed to buy a slip for a dress so we went up to the lingerie department. Noticing all the beautiful bra’s and different brands I decided to look around. Eventually I asked a Nordstrom employee for help.

I had literally never bought a bra from anywhere but Victoria’s Secret/Pink since outgrowing training bras. 

The helpful Nordstrom worker directed me to the fitting room where she measured my size. When she brought back her picks for me I was shocked.

According to her I am a 30C!

Ya’ll I have literally been wearing the wrong bra size for years (if not my entire life).

At VS/Pink I was always told I was a 32A or to try a 32B if the bra wasn’t made in A cup. This made sense to me because I am so small. Naturally it seemed I would be the smallest cup and band size in their store.

Never mind that my bra straps were constantly falling down or that some of my bras had weird gaps or that 90% of my bras were uncomfortable. I believed this was just the way bras were. If you are part of the itty-bitty-titty-commitee then you just grab the smallest bra in VS, buy, and go.

Unfortunately I had a fundamental misunderstanding of how bra sizing works. To me (and most of society it seems) A cup bras are for tiny boobs and DD is for big boobs. Being petite A seemed right for me.

What I never realized was that cup size was in proportion to band size. It isn’t that A is small and D is big. It is about how big your boobs are relative to your body size. So for me even though I have “tiny boob” proportionate to my body they are C’s (maybe even D’s if I go down to a 28 which she told me was possible)

I’m not alone in this however. Some studies have put the number of women wearing the wrong bra size at as high as 80%. If you want to read more on this here is a link.

Honestly this information was life changing. As I was trying on bras in the fitting room I was shocked at how different they felt from my bras at home or even the bra I had worn into the store. I ended up buying a bra from the brand OnGossmer and ordering one from Natori.

(The Natori bra is on the Nordstrom Anniversary sale btw)

 

I have been wearing the bra from OnGossamer everyday since I got it. I am honestly in love with it. When I try to go back to my old Victoria’s Secret bras I am so uncomfortable I just can’t do it. I may just end up tossing them out (or donating them if you can donate bras). Screen Shot 2018-07-29 at 11.28.26 PM

My biggest beef with Victoria’s Secret is not that they don’t carry my size actually. It is that in years of shopping there none of their employees ever told me that they don’t. They just continued to put me into poor fitting bras and sent me on my way. 

Like a lot of young girls I think I just believed that Victoria’s Secret is where you buy bras. It seems almost culturally conditioned in us. I will say L brands has amazing marketing. They make you feel like they are the only choice. 

But ladies that is not true!!!

There are so many amazing bra makers out there. Ones that carry more band sizes and cup sizes to fit women of ALL sizes! I am just now discovering them but I am so freaking excited!

I have seriously been telling all my friends about this new discovery. If it wasn’t totally inappropriate I would run around flashing everyone on the street to show them my new bra. 

Since it is inappropriate however I will refrain. Instead I will just shout to the world via the internet about how happy my boobs are and hope that I can help share the joy of a properly fitting bra with others.

Lots of love,

Paige (and her much happier boobs)

 

 

 

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Where have I been?

 

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Hard Feelings shirt from Kinship Goods

Wow, it’s been a long time since I posted here.

 

As you all know I have tried to be open about my mental health struggles here in hopes of helping others dealing with similar issues. I would like to be an advocate for mental health.

Despite my desire to end the stigma, I am still finding myself embarrassed to admit that I have had a relapse with my depression. The past month or two has been a blur of misery, crying, breakdowns, and frustration. I have barely managed to maintain a job I no longer find any joy in, I have shirked commitments to the detriment of people I care about, and I have cried a whole whole lot.

I wanted to be cured. I wanted to believe that the depression was behind me.

It came roaring back to life though, just as severe as ever. Because of this, I have found it hard to find the energy to engage with much of anything, including this blog and my social media which I love so much.

When you are depressed though even the things you love and are passionate about slip away.

The only positive thing through all this has been that I now have a name for what I am feeling. For a long time I wanted to avoid the label of a mental health condition but now I find it almost a relief to know that there is an explanation for the ways I have felt most of my life, to varying degrees of severity. I spent years believing I was just crazy or lazy when I had tough bouts of depression.

This most current bout I believe has to do with the uncertainty I am currently feeling about my future plans. I feel indecisive and it has built up a lot of stress for me. That coupled with my susceptibility to depression pushed me right back into the worst of it.

This time though I knew to ask for help.

I let my family members and friends see my breakdowns rather than hiding them behind closed doors. Depression is illogical at its very core but I do believe letting them see what it does to me helps them to understand a little more.

I called my psychiatrist and told her when things weren’t working for me. Through some trial and error, I am starting to come out of the fog of depression with new medications.

I have never made a suicide attempt or been actively suicidal but when negative thoughts of that nature flashed through my mind uncontrollably on my worst days I chose to vocalize them rather than keep them to myself.

After working with my medication and family things have been improving. I have been working on self-care by doing things like completing applications, making doctors appointments, doing yoga, cleaning my room and car, working on projects, spending time with dogs, eating depression-fighting foods and many other things.

Many of these tasks may sound insignificant, but to a person struggling with a mental health condition, they can feel like mountains.

Slowly but surely I am recovering again. I apologize for my absence. If any of you have tried to get in contact with me please know that I wasn’t ignoring you intentionally. Let’s just say for now that I’m back. I love connecting with people through this blog and right now I’m trying to get back to doing the things I love.

Forgive me,

Paige

PS: Here is the link to my t-shirt! It is one of my favs. And no I’m not getting paid for this, I just love cute small brands like Kinship.

hard feelings womens varsity tee

Wednesday Wisdom: They’re Just Not That Into You

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Dress: Topshop Necklace: Madewell Location: Wynwood Walls Miami, Florida

Have you ever had a friend who made you feel like a burden? A friend who made you feel like you should feel grateful that they took the time out of their day to respond to your text or meet you for coffee? Or a friend who was only there when it was convenient for them. Have you had a friend that’s mostly around when they need something but disappear when you need them?

Spoiler alert: They’re just not that into you.

I think a lot of us fall into this trap. We have a person that we like and consider a friend, or in some cases a potential boyfriend or girlfriend and we will do anything for them. I’m guilty of this for sure. But I am learning that sometimes you need to evaluate who your true friends are in life to protect yourself a little. I have found myself in so many “friendships” or “pseudo relationships” with people who barely cared about me at all. I would do anything for these people but eventually, I had to realize that they would seldom lift a finger for me.

The levels of effort we were putting into our friendships were vastly different. I was there pouring everything I had into them. Making myself available whenever they wanted or needed. They weren’t doing the same, however. I was prioritizing people who barely thought about me at all.

A good example of this was a “friend” I had in high school. I would hear people say negative things about her and I would defend her endlessly. I wouldn’t believe a single one of the rumors because she was my friend and I liked her. It took me until the end of high school to really look at that friendship though. I realized that I was there for her whenever she needed. Any favor, homework, crisis management she needed I was right there. But she wasn’t there for me. We only hung out when she needed something from me. It was never just for fun. Never because she liked me. I was doing everything I could for this girl to try to make her want to be friends with me, and she didn’t care at all.

Unfortunately, that isn’t the only time I’ve done that to myself. Friendships like this can leave you feeling worthless and stupid. I spent so much effort on these people and even the best of me wasn’t good enough. Eventually, you realize you’re either being used or they are friends with you out of pity and you feel miserable. Even worse is the fact that quitting the habit is so hard. You care about this person and you wanted them in your life. Accepting that they don’t want you is difficult and painful. In some cases, you are almost addicted to them. There was a reason why you stuck around through all the garbage before. You cared.

So how do you fix this? It’s not easy. If you think you are strong enough for the clean break do that. But personally, I have found that phasing these people out is the best way to do this.

Make a rule for yourself. Something like “I will only contact them once a month” or “I won’t talk to them/see them unless they make the effort to talk to me.” Put the ball in their court. This allows them to have the chance to miss you. Maybe they will wake up and realize how valuable you are to them. Or maybe you will get to see just how little they care.

This clarity hurts but is helpful in healing. Hopefully, as you slowly phase them out of your life you will begin to crave their presence in your life less and less. It isn’t a perfect solution but cutting these people out of your life who are only bringing you down will help you in the long term.

Right now you are allowing them to define your worth and are left feeling inadequate. You deserve to be loved, cherished, and cared about. You deserve friends who are as enthusiastic about you as you are about them. Don’t let people who don’t appreciate your value make you miserable. If you have a person or people in your life that fit this description give it some serious thought.

You deserve real friendships and real relationships. If they want to talk to you they will. In the meantime focus on loving yourself, growing closer with friends who value you, and making new friends who will love you for who you are, not how you can benefit them. Trust me I’m still rereading my own advice. It isn’t easy but it works!

With love,

Paige

 

Taking a Break from College

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Top: Madewell Shorts: J.Crew Factory Location: Dallas Museum of Art

I have decided to take a break from college.

When I started college I was the typical over confident “I’m a sophomore by credit hours’ freshman. In fact, I started college with 47 credit hours from AP classes. I planned to graduate in 3 years, then go straight to law school. Preferably a highly ranked one.

Then life happened.

I finished my freshman year, the Spring semester of which I spent studying abroad in Italy. I came home to Texas and worked for the summer. Then as I was getting ready to go back to Georgia, everything fell apart.

“We found a tumor in your abdomen”

Those words changed my life in seconds. Instead of getting to enjoy the fall of my sophomore year; I got to spend fall of 2015 in and out of the hospital where I had 4 surgeries to both remove pancreatic cancer and then repair the damage that removal caused

As soon as January 2016 came, I stubbornly wanted to go back to college and resume my “real” life. I wanted to get back to the plan.

But I was so weak. Cancer had drained me, physically, mentally and emotionally. I returned to campus weighing little over 85 pounds. I had so little energy and had a lot of bad days physically. I found myself frustrated that I couldn’t keep up and be like everyone else. For the first time in my life, my grades were struggling significantly. I was dropping classes like it was hot.

In an act of desperation to try to get my life back to the plan, I applied to the UGA at Oxford program. In my interview with the program director, I told him how I had beat cancer and was back as a student and doing great. I felt like such a fraud. I hadn’t been to any of my classes that week yet there I sat telling him how amazing I was doing.

The UGA at Oxford program ended up being a bit of a saving grace for me. It was extremely challenging academically but I was able to excel. There I gained back confidence in myself and my intellect. I finally felt like I could accomplish big things again.

Unfortunately, January came and back in Georgia; I fell apart again. Everything felt so similar. It was almost claustrophobic, as though I was always on the cusp of reliving my nightmare again. Deja Vu in the worst way.

I started the semester so hopefully, yet along came several difficult to explain health bumps and I began to spiral. Everyday it felt like something new and awful was going to happen. Each doctors appointment and new concerning symptom added to my misery. I found myself in almost the exact same place as the previous spring.  For me, Poor physical health beget exceptionally poor mental health. 

All of the physical issues are still pending. Even tomorrow I am having another CT scan to try to find an explanation for all the symptoms I have been experiencing over the course of this year.

One diagnosis I did manage to get this spring though was clinical depression. I had spent so long trying to force myself to stick to a plan I made at 18, despite the fact that the circumstances of my life had changed so much in those three years. I perpetually felt like a failure when I didn’t meet the high expectations I held myself to. It took a long time before I finally decided to admit that I needed help. I am so glad I did though. While the physical issues are not completely resolved I am in a much better place mentally.

I have decided to give myself a break though. I want to figure out what is going on with my physical health, and what solutions there are to treat it. I also just want to stop making myself miserable by being so overly harsh with my self-assessments. I always felt like if I admitted that I needed help if I admitted I needed a break, or if I admitted that I wasn’t going to graduate on time; I would be a failure. I’ve realized that this narrative in my head is a lie. I am going to be successful. I am going to graduate from college. But if it takes me a little longer that’s okay too. So I’m taking a gap year or gap semester. I’m not really sure right now. I want to focus on myself and my health so that I can accomplish all I am meant to. 

I’m going to be blogging my journey here and also posting fun stuff relating to my various interests. I promise it’s not gonna all be about cancer! Follow along if you’d like.

With Love,

Paige